If you want to be great at anything, or make an impact on the world beyond yourself, it doesn’t matter how much knowledge, skill or charisma you have if you do not know who YOU are. To develop deep relationships and truly understand, influence and lead others, you have to first do this with yourself.
Okay, so what exactly does that mean?
Who ARE you? Are you really the representation of you that shows up in the presence of others? Are your private self and public self aligned?
The buzzphrases of “being your authentic self” and “having integrity” are opaque at best. Why? Because most of us haven’t done the real work of reflecting and facing the reality of who we are when we are alone in our space and our heads.
When you are alone, accountable only to yourself in the moment, what are your defaults?
- How do you talk to yourself?
- What do you prioritize?
- What kinds of habits and behaviors do you develop? Do you work on developing productive, healthy habits? Or do you allow yourself to fall into habits or develop coping mechanisms that are unhealthy, or that may even make you feel ashamed?
Spending time alone is how you get to know your private self and see and acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses, and even uncover your demons.
Understanding who you are in “default mode”, you first need to decide if that is who you want to be for YOURSELF. This means, if you were the only person to whom you would ever have to be accountable, is this a version of yourself that you like? Do you feel comfortable in your own skin?
The second question you need to answer is, how would you feel if someone witnessed this version of you? This is an important question because it is not usually the level of strengths and skills that undermine success. It tends to be those dark corners and demons that people hold on to, trying but ultimately failing to hide them from others.
And yes, you CAN like yourself and feel good about yourself and still feel that part of that “self” is one that continues to pursue growth (this is a strength). But if there are thoughts, priorities, habits and behaviors that are not serving you in a positive way, you may need to do some work to prune off those dead branches so you can continue to grow.
NOW you can be more effective in developing relationships and truly understand, influence and lead others! Why? Because you have done the work to not only know your default self, but to develop your strengths and drop the ballast holding you back.
When you like yourself, are proud of who you are, and bring THAT version into the room with others, that’s as close to authentic as you can get. Your private and public self are aligned, and that casts a light you can’t shut off.